My First English Lesson

8 October, 13

I love Barbecue. I guess I should stop right here and explain that word to any Yankees or Foreigners out there. First, Barbecue is a noun, not a verb. Barbecue is not something you do. It is something you eat. Some of my friends are NC BBQ purists, like Bill Crews, who would only eat BBQ east of I-95. But not me. I have traveled all over the USA, sampling Barbecue as I go. I LOVE BARBECUE. All of it. Vinegar. Mustard. Ketchup. Dry Rub. Wet Rub. Boston Butt. Beef Brisket. Kansas style. Memphis style. Hot. Sweet. All of it.

I moved to North Carolina, back in 1992, right out of college, and I fell in with a wonderful church family at Sandhills Alliance Church. At the time, they had a lot of old people there, meaning anybody over 30, and several of the families would invite me to dinner. One particular couple, who happened to be Yankees, invited me over for barbecue. Well, I got excited. When I got over there, I saw my friend standing over the grill, cooking hot dogs and hamburgers, but I did not see any Barbecue. Not to worry, because it is not uncommon to have a separate cooker for that divine delicacy.

You can cook burgers and dogs in a microwave, if you want to, but BBQ requires a whole different set of equipment. The mantra is, "Low and Slow". Low heat, between 250-300, and plenty of time. The best cookers are wood fired, with indirect smoke. They even have separate chambers for meat and heat. I am wearing a bib right now to keep the drool off my keyboard.

I looked around for the other cooker, and in a very good-natured way, asked where was the Barbecue? The man had that look on his face, like he just realized why we lost the war, sort of like when a dog turns his head sideways and looks up at you. Confused and a little dumbfounded. Not sure if this is a joke or not. So he good-naturedly said, "It's right here" and pointed at the grill. That's when I had that look on my face, like I just realized people like him beat us in the war. "But you're grilling hot dogs and hamburgers. I don't see any Barbecue." That's when he explained it. To a Yankee, the very act of cooking outside, over a fire, is called barbecuing. Well, that's just stupid. Everybody knows that cooking over a fire is called either grilling out or cooking out. Duh.

I ate their hot dogs and hamburgers. I smiled and thanked them for asking me over. I played with their kids and made small talk all night long. Then I went home and cried. For the first time in my life, I realized the desperate need in other people's lives. There were people in this world who did not know what Barbecue was. I let the weight of that sink in. God had given me a mission. "Boy, go cook up some Barbecue! And while you're at it, tell 'em I love 'em." My God speaks Southern, and he sounds like Uncle Jesse, from Dukes of Hazzard. Awesome, right?

I have been feeding people ever since, and, Yes, God does love you. Even if you don't know how to speak good English.

Some day, I'll have to tell you about my first pig-pickin'.