The Redneck's Guide to Food--Paella

13 November, 13


I am all about some eatin'. There aren't too many things I won't eat. Even mayonnaise has become, well not a friend exactly, but a neighbor I don't mind talking to across the fence. I have eaten some crazy stuff in my life.

One day at Carowinds, we were in line at the Hurler roller coaster. As you wait in line, you pass under the coaster, which is a huge wooden monstrosity. On the ceiling of the tunnel, you will find a sea of chewing gum stalactites. I don't know what possessed me that day, but I took down one of them and put it in my mouth. Luckily it was mint flavored, which is my favorite. The kids around me were appropriately grossed out, and I got some free gum. It's amazing how long the flavor lasts in gum these days. The old Hubba Bubba Bubble Gum or Big League Chew would only take about 5 minutes to turn into a bland mush.

Then there was the time at Mama's house, when I was hanging out with all my nephews and nieces. We found a good-sized worm, and I asked them what they thought it would taste like. Nobody seemed to know, and nobody was willing to find out. So I did what crazy uncles do. They taste like dirt. It's funny, you say they taste like dirt, but when we speak of wine, we say it has an earthy taste, as if that is very much better.

Now you know that when I recommend something to eat, you should probably ask if it's been eaten before and left behind by others. That's my disclaimer...

Paella is one of my favorite dishes in Spain. Everybody in Spain loves Paella, and every region has a little different spin on it. Some use chicken, others pork or seafood. Basically, though, it is a big pan of rice, colored with saffron. You add other ingredients to taste. You never cook paella for yourself. It is, by its very nature, a fiesta food, which helps explain its popularity with Spaniards.

The other day, we got a paella lesson from La José. Her name is actually María José, but everybody calls her La José. She reminds me a little bit of Ellie Mae Clampett.

Given the choice of wrestling Ivan "The Russian Bear" Koloff or La José, I'm taking the Russian.

But like Ellie Mae, she is pretty and sweet and happy at the same time. I have no idea what she's saying most of the time, but when I do understand her, it is usually something that I cannot repeat to my children. She was born the middle of 13 kids, so I guess you have to learn how to defend yourself and fight for groceries at the dinner table. They all prayed with one hand on the chicken leg, if you know what I mean.

So La José showed up on Saturday and she got us jumping around like grease on the griddle. She and Susan started cooking up the chicken and red peppers. Then she threw in some artichoke hearts. The last step was adding the rice and saffron. Then you step away and wait for the yummy goodness to all come together.

If you're really serious about paella you go out and buy a special pan, called a paellera. We just used our frying pan, and it was still awesome. We are thinking about trying to cook up a batch over Christmas with the family. Vamos a ver...