I once heard about a guy that wrote The Ten Commandments of Parenting. Then he had a child. His second edition was entitled, Ten Suggestions for Parenting. After his second child, he became a plumber. He just wanted to be able to fix something and walk away.
I am great with kids, of almost any age. Most of my acumen derives simply from a selfish attempt to make people like me. Kids are easier prey, because they react to less subtle attempts at humor. If you can break wind, you can make most boys squeal with delight. Easy. Thanks Dad.
Girls are usually pretty easy as well. They just need a little more time to adjust to the obvious breach in social decorum, not to mention air. Once you have them, though, they are yours forever.
Raising kids, however, is a totally different plane of existence from merely entertaining them. I am totally clueless. The baby stage wasn't too hard. That is more an issue of endurance than knowledge. An infant has some pretty basic needs and only cries when one of those needs isn't being met. That is exactly how men operate:
- Acknowledge the existence of a problem.
- Analyze the situation.
- Determine the best course of action.
- Instruct your wife.
- Return to the ball game on TV.
- Adjust volume if necessary.
Women have more tools in their toolbox. I think it's because they were the second model off the assembly line. God added some pretty cool modifications to Eve, like subtlety and compassion. Man's dearth of so many good qualities leads him to seek out the One who possesses them. The abundance of good qualities in women leads them to search out the One that understands them. That's some really bad theology, but it is at least fun to think about.
Teenagers have overrun the castle walls in my house. Elizabeth is 15 and Katherine 12 9/12, so I give her full credit by virtue of rounding up to the nearest whole number.
Fortunately for me, I am a good negotiator, and Elizabeth was my first born. She asks for relatively simple things, like staying up later than usual, eating ice cream and applying makeup. She is something like Mollie, the horse in Animal Farm, that chooses a life of servitude with the humans, in exchange for pretty bows in her hair. Done. One day she will realize her best qualities lie deep within. Elizabeth will refine her talents and use them to take over the world. Until then we just need to provide some guardrails to keep her from getting hurt.
Katherine is more like Napoleon, the ultimate victor in the Animal Farm rebellion. Snowball started it, but Napoleon sent him to the slaughterhouse. "All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others." I admire Katherine's style, even while I cower in fear. She raises the ante until you are forced to fold your hand. With Elizabeth, you can withhold phone or makeup. Katherine will give you her phone before you ask, as a way of saying, "I don't give a rip what you take away. Now whatcha got, punk?"
The interesting part to me is that we really don't ever need to punish Katherine. She does a pretty good job of that herself. We normally tell her to relax, don't worry about grades, go have fun. She responds with more drive, more anxiety over grades, more stress. The castle gates are open, but she seems to prefer scaling the walls instead. The only thing that we have learned so far is that she responds better to whispers than shouts. She expects bluster, but we respond, sometimes, with a gentle breeze. One day her anger will subside and she will channel her passion for creative, constructive endeavors. I have no doubt about that. Between now and then, we just need to hang on, until the storm abates. It will run its course, and we will repair the damage.
Somebody once told me that children are like the moon, always moving into a different phase. I take great comfort in that, knowing that whatever our current situation, we can make it to the next phase in the cycle. It also scares me to wonder whether we are heading toward a full moon or have already passed it.
The best consolation is knowing that we just need to follow the Light.
“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” (Jesus, John 8:12)
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