The Redneck's Guide to Sports

31 October, 13

I have been playing a relatively new sport lately, called Padel. It was invented in the 1960's by Enrique Corcuera in Acapulco, Mexico. As you will see on the Map of Padel locations, the sport has caught on mostly in Spanish speaking countries. Argentina and Spain make up the vast majority of clubs and world champions.

If you have played, or even watched, doubles tennis, racquetball, squash or handball, you are ready to play Padel. It is intended to be played in a doubles format, which lends well to building relationships. You don't run as much as you would in tennis, because the court is smaller, and you can play the bounce off of the walls, like racquetball.

Like most things, I have jumped in whole hog. I bought a pala, bolas and zapatos

from the local sports store for about $100. That is my total investment in the sport.

I play with Julio, Alicia and a rotation of other players to fill in the fourth spot. Often it is Fede or Juan. Truthfully all three guys are just there in hopes that we can play on Alicia's team. She is a Padel monster. The other side counts it a great moral victory if they can return her serve, regardless of whether we actually get the point. Nobody has ever broken her serve. To win a set against her is akin to summiting Mount Everest. I would like to see Alicia and Becky playing together. They would take over the Padel world.

The game rewards control and court presence, which automatically puts me at a disadvantage. You must learn to read the walls and anticipate where the ball will be. The palas have holes in them, which allows for wicked spin as well.

My biggest asset in sports is hustle. I am like Pete Rose, without the ability to hit the ball. My daddy once told me, "Boy, you got a linebacker mind and kicker body." It is true. I desperately want to win at everything I do, but I seldom sip the champagne in winner's circle. A hard fought second place is usually what I get for my efforts. This makes me a popular opponent. Not really a threat to win, but a fun challenge. I am the Bluegill. Fun to fish, but nobody eats them.

That shouldn't engender any sympathy for me. I really do have fun in my own little competitive universe, and knowing I will never be the champion at anything keeps me from trying to take over the world. I would make a terrible emperor, but maybe I could be the governor of a smaller state...

I Like Women

10 October, 13

I was recently introduced to Padel. Now I had a lot of "paddle" in my childhood, due to my incorrigible behavior, but this is different, namely because I get to hold the paddle.

Julio's employee and cousin's wife, Alicia, invited us to play doubles. Padel is a cross between handball and tennis. The racket is a little shorter, the ball is a little heavier, and you can hit it against the walls. Alicia is a beast at Padel. We played with 3 guys and Alicia, and the guys took turns being on Alicia's team, so we could all feel what it was like to win. Her team never lost more than 2 games in a set. 6-0, 6-1, 6-2. It was a beat down. I have a linebacker mind and a kicker body, which means I hate to lose, but I can't do anything about it. Frustrating.

The whole experience put me in a contemplative mood, especially regarding women. I have come to the studied conclusion that I like women, especially really strong ones. Not Helga, the East German body-builder,

but the kind that never sink in the storms of life. If the Titanic was a man, then the lifeboats that saved everybody were women. In that case, there weren't enough women on board.

I didn't realize how strong my mama was until just a few years ago, as I watched her deal with divorce, a cancer scare, financial uncertainty and death. Those are some pretty rough waters to navigate, but her lifeboat never sank.

My sister, Becky, is another example. She has, or I should say had, a great fear of crowds, because she didn't know their names and thought everybody else did. By the way, I probably don't remember your name, so when I say something like, "Friend of mine!" or "Hey Bubba", just say, "My name is ____". Naturally, Becky shriveled up into a corner right? No, not exactly.

She went to Clemson and joined a business fraternity (co-ed), called Delta Sigma Pi, and became its president. After college she became president of the local Rotary Club. She has also started a successful construction business, raised record amounts of money for the Governor's School for Science and Math and now designs and builds robots. And she's a damn good tennis player to boot. Becky has crashed against the rocks of fear, anti-woman bias at the workplace and a host of other things, but her lifeboat never sinks.

My mother-in-law, Joyce has certainly weathered a few storms. She is a caretaker. For everybody. I have known her since 1992, and she has been taking care of somebody, a lot of somebody's, the whole time. She doesn't ask for anything. She doesn't want recognition. Joyce just brings people home.

My wife, Susan. WHEW! My wife, Susan. That woman is made of some stiff stuff. I know because I have put her through some hurricanes. At one point in our marriage, we faced complete financial ruin, because I was an idiot. I came to her, right in the eye of the storm, and apologized for the mess I had made, and she said, "No. We got into this together. We will get out of this together." I clung desperately to the sides of that lifeboat, until we reached a safe harbor.

I have come to realize a few things.

1. Strong women are not born. They are fashioned by the storms of life.
2. Strong women do not seek adversity, but they will not be overcome by it, when it arrives.
3. Strong women are strong enough for themselves and others, and that is a great burden.

My girls are traveling right now through what seems to them to be gale-force winds. Moving away from friends and family. Learning a new language. Going to school in a foreign country. Eating weird stuff. Making new friends.

Their boats are strong. They come from a long line of life boats. When the big storms come, many people will be floating safely to harbor. I hurt for my girls, but I am so proud of what they are becoming. Strong women.